Love letters in text form

I just got through transferring all my old saved texts from Matt from my phone to the computer. Have I forgotten how stinkin' romantic that boy is or what? Not really, because he still sends amazing love letters that make my heart melt, but those ones are in Spanish, therefore requiring a lot of time and google translate, which doesn't always make complete sense. I'm just loving the flashbacks of how i felt the first time I recieved these messages, how amazing and full of love we both felt. Can I just post one example of one he sent me 2 months before he left on his mission:
December 19, 2009- I love you Kaylie so much! Its so crazy the way I feel about you. I just want to be with you so much you’re the only person I want to spend forever with and live happily ever after with and I want us to work out anything that comes our way. I’m sorry that I have caused us problems, and it may seem like I’m not sure of stuff but there is one thing im sure of, and that is that I love you so much Kaylie, no matter what may ever happen. I believe that when the time is right that the lord will let me know that you’re my sweetheart for life, but until then I think he wants me to forget those crazy strong feelings that I feel for you and devote myself solely to him. I actually think that is playing a big part in all this. Just know that I know I love you so much. You are supreme. I couldn’t ask for anything better then you my love please just know that I love you Kaylie. I want you to be the happiest girl ever.
Now to explain, we had been having lots of random stupid fights. And matt would sometimes say scary stuff like," I'm just not sure about things. I know I love you, but maybe I'm not in complete love with you. something feels different..." And I would have panic attacks about him not loving me anymore. And then one night he sends me this. Its like he had some sort of comfort come over him and it also somehow let him know Exactly the right thing to say to make me feel better. These wise words have helped me get through these seven months so far without him. And I know they will continue to bring me comfort over the next 17 months until he comes home. I KNOW that he loves me. I KNOW that I love him. And I also know that he does need to devote himself completely to the Lords work, and that I am not, nor should I be, his highest priority. And I am 100% okay with that :)

Halloween

This month, I am collecting items to send in a Halloween package. So I'm in a very Halloweenish mood. In fact, I'd like to just skip September altogether and go straight to October. I'm so excited for going to Cornbelly's, carving pumpkins, the witches at Gardner Village, haunted houses, homemade rootbeer and chili, dressing up, endless amounts of candy. The whole Shabang. This will be the first Halloween I've had in 4 years not spending it with Matt. This seems weird to me.

Frustration.

Sometimes I'm just so frustrated with Everyone! And one very special person is so talented that I can be frustrated with him as well, and yet he is the only person in this world I want to talk to. Alas, he is the only person in this world that I cannot talk to whenever I want. Oy, such is life. I miss Matt. Right now all I want is to rewind to about a year ago. Life made more sense then. Things were going right then. I was cuddled up in the arms of my love, probably doing homework together or something else very productive and promising. Probably listening to love songs and singing as we worked and stopping for kisses and talking about the future and how amazing it was going to be. At that time I was not in debt, stressed to my breaking point, and depressed beyond belief. I wasn't a big ole grouch all the time. What the heck has happened to me? I'm so sick of feeling like such a bum all the time. I need a job! I need money! I need school! I need a place to live away from my parents! I need a cell phone! I need a car! Then, I will be happy and content with life again. Although even with all those things, I'll still miss Matt. Unfortunately, that never ends. At least not for 18 more months.

Drunk Driver

Last night we were hit by a drunk driver. My older sister was driving, my mom in the passengers seat, and me Lindsey and two year old Gage in the back seat. I feel so lucky that nobody was hurt. just some wicked whiplash. I know for a fact we were being watched over. If the timing had been any different, at least some of us would have been seriously injured. He came speeding up behind us, didn't even try to hit the breaks. slammed into the back of the car and then his car spun up through a tree and onto the sidewalk, as a big case of beer flew out of his car. Are you kidding me? Please, please, please don't EVER drink and drive. There are way too many stories of people being killed this way. I'm lucky I wasn't hurt. I don't know what I would do if any one of us had been hurt. Especially little baby boy. Thank you Heavenly Father for watching over us and keeping us safe.

Red Lipstick

I bought red lipstick today. Matt doesn't like lipstick. For five years I haven't worn lipstick. But I got some today. Because Matt isn't here to disapprove.
I wish he was.
I wish I didn't have to wait weeks between hearing from him. I wish I could go ahead and get mad at him when his letter finally comes and it's not what I needed to hear. I wish I could get a text saying goodnight and I love you. It's hard to sleep without those. I haven't gotten to sleep very easily for 5 months now.
And I wish I could write about something else! It's not fair that I am thinking of him, missing him, all day, every day. Endlessly.

Bummer

So I got my tonsils out yesterday. Not the most drastic of surgeries, but still, I wish Matt was here :( I know if he was he would be taking good care of me, getting me whatever I need/want, rubbing my back, playing with my hair, distracting me. Sigh. I mean, I'll be fine. My mom is doing fine taking care of me, but its just not the same. Matt can ALWAYS make me feel better in a way that nobody else can. Oh well, no use being sad about it. On a happier note, Matt has been out for 3 months now! It's going by fairly quickly, this week being the exception. And I've heard from other girls that after the 3 month mark, times speeds up even more. Also, this week is our 3 year anniversary! I've got to send a package....I have a scrapbook thing, and a CTR ring, and tape recording to send him. I need to make him some cd's he asked for, and I also want to make some sort of treat to send with it. I wanted to get this all sent last week so he would get it in time. But I have no money with which to send it. I'd better get that out tomorrow. except I need to buy blank cd's. Which is where having no money becomes an issue. Maybe my mom will help me out.

Mothers Day

This weekend was kind of hard for me, as it is every year. May 9th is my dads birthday, and May 8th is the anniversary of his death. So during this Mothers day, while I was thinking about my mom and how much I love and appreciate and look up to her, I've also been missing my daddy. I can't help but think how different our lives would be if he was still here. I'm missing the life I never got a chance to have, because his was cut short. And just missing him in general. I wish I had been older, so I would have had a chance to get to know him better. Maybe it's better that I didn't. I never really knew the bad side, the drug addict side of my dad. I was just always daddy's little princess, and I always looked up to him. Obviously I still have those memories of the bad times, ten years old is old enough to figure out what was really going on. But the majority of my memories are good ones, and I am grateful for that.
In other news, Happy Mothers Day to my sweet mom! I love her with all my heart, and appreciate all that she does for me. She is my best friend, and I could not imagine life without her. Also Happy mothers day to my amazing sister. She has the cutest stinkin' kids I have ever met in my entire life, and she is such a good cute little mommy. I look up to her in lots of ways.
In other other news, I got to talk to Matt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't thank his mom enough for including me in her phone call. The whole family got in on a conference call, so it was his mom and dad and all three brothers and their wives and me. It was definitely different from what I'm used to. With my brothers, we always just had the one phone line, and everyone would take turns just talking to them alone. But yeah, so with Matt's family we were all on the line together. Which worked out fine, if anyone had something to say they just said it, and we all got to hear Matt's answer. He sounds like he is doing so good! He has a baptism set up already, and he has only been there for two weeks! It sounds like his ward and his area is just doing wonderfully. And he is being fed amazing food every night, and he loves his companion, and he is doing so awesome at speaking the Spanish. I'm so so proud of him. And it was great to hear his voice. ah, I love him!